I love you

Sad.

2007-09-09T08:13:00.000+08:00

I guess i'm not overdoing things. He tells me his feelings for me is getting lesser and lesser. At least things aren't that bad because i know whatever happens i have my friends by my side. They're be meeting me on tuesday to see how things go. Now i understand why lovers must always be piortised behind friends. Because they are not the people who will be there for you when you're hurt or feeling sick most of the time. But you can't blame me for being blinded by love initially. I totally feel i'm not at fault but again this is only my view about the whole relationship. Let's hope things will get for the better though chances are not high. I really treasure this relationshi and didn't want thing to go wrong. But some thing especially if it involve other people is hard to control. That's when we have to accept and leave fate to control everything. If things go really bad then maybe i'll just find another guy to help me forget this pain. It'll be unfair to him thought. HaiZz... I don't know what i'm thinking.I'll go take a rest before i go tuition later...

NEW JOB!

2007-08-29T23:27:00.000+08:00

A new job for my holidays. Heh.. Not a new job actually. It's my last time sales girl job. Well, it's not because of money. I like the job. I love it. $4 per hour. kaoZz.. I could get better pay than that man! Firstly, i dun want to be too obsessed with my bf. I dun want to meet him so often. =)Secondly, this will prevent me from spending money. HaiZz..I might have to cancel my meeting with frenz that i had plan. Have to wait till next holidays then. HeheZz...

Fate

2007-08-29T21:12:00.000+08:00

I was thinking why am i not with other guys instead. I could be myself in front of him. I do not need to put on a mask. I could be myself in front of ppl like "sky". But he would find me childish. And would prefer not to talk. =) Even if it is, i don't like to start a topic and he's waiting for the other party to start a topic. Worse of all we have nothing in common to talk. This means we are not meant to be with each other characterisically. I could bullshit and darling will bullshit together with me. This is love; we can tolerate each other's nonsense. Zi Xiang can do it also. But i choose another guy at that time. And the relationship with other guy end up to be a flop because i choose to put it in a railway track of lies and a mask that's not the real me. We make mistakes and learn. During my learning process, i lose many people that i didn't treasure. But the good thing is i still get my gold, darling. Although fishing and games are in front of me, i know he's there for me if i really need him. He cares, loves and will never leave me. Fate made me learnt my lesson before i met you so i would treasure you more than my past. =) I'll never let the one that fate let gives me. We may be complete irony of each other, we definitely still have things in common. =) I do not need to lose my "links" to know how to treasure him.

I've made arrangements for next week. I'm meeting my poly frens on monday, tuesday 2 at AMK wif Zi Xiang and thursday 1:30 at orchard wif Yippie Yappy Yippie Yippie Yap. Heh.. Wednesday and friday with links. Wah kaoZz i can't wait for tml. =)

Exams.

2007-08-29T11:04:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow is my last day of exams. Haha.. I'll be able to enjoy after tml. Yay! And i lost my mood to studying.. Double Yay! Last paper always like that. I've been trying to tell myself that: "study is fun"; "Why do i attend those lecture for?"; " My parents relationship are so bad now, Give them lesser things to worry!"; " How much do I want a better life in future?".

Nothing seem to help. I guess i didn't want things as much as i want them when i was taking my "O" level. I like proving people wrong. They look down on me, thinking i'll not do better than my elder brother. My L1 R5 is better than him. Now what? I didn't have anyone to prove it to anymore and i lose my fighting spirit. I didn't love my parents more than how i love them last time? Why i just couldn't bring myself to studying as hard as before. I could say this is not my best. I can do better than this if i want to. What exactly is wrong with me? Well, i could only try my best for the next semester.

I also want to go uni BUT my GPA is so low. Hmm..I wanted to prove myself wrong that having relationship, working and studying at the same time is OK. But is it really too much? Have i really push myself beyond the limits? I wonder.

I feel that i'm not very good in maintaining a relationship. And i'm nv good at relationship. Last time i never had any long relationship because i dun have confident in myself. Well, you could say ever since the start of this relationship, i'm gaining more confident. Because i believe he could accept me for who i am. He is different from all other guys that i know. He has a good sense of humour(if you really know him), he'll not leave me easily. Maybe it's because of his past that makes him treasure me more in the INITIAL part of the relationship. LOL! Damn, i'm so obsess with him now. Haha.. It's ok. Because he's my bf. =)

I'm trying to catch up with my friends or pasts after my exams. Hehe.. I want to make a promise to the wonderful guy who makes a difference in my life: No matter what I'll never cheat on you, never leave you for other guys. =)

Tata~ Wish me luck for my last paper to whoever reads this.

Happy brithday to myself.

2007-08-26T00:20:00.000+08:00

When i need a listening ears, he just isn't there for me. His ignorant just isn't helping any. Well, i should start blogging again. Sooner or later i'll just lose this relationship. His treatment, everything. Crying my birthday doesn't help either.

My heart just ache so much. My parents seem to want a divorce. I couldn't believe my ears that my brother actually ask my mother to divorce. Maybe he's using a reverse psychology. My mother seem to link all my dad's motion into him still contacting with tt women. It's understandable though. Alright, i've stop crying i should start studying then, i'll update again. =)

Anger..

2007-05-02T21:01:00.000+08:00

That day i fell sick. Haha... When i'm doing my report i'm calculating mentally. It was a weekend. I did not go teach tuition for 2 days of the weekends and friday. Guess how much had i lose earning? 140 plus.. Ha.. How great!

I feel as if i'm getting tired of putting effort in this relationship. It's not that i'm boring of him. It's a feeling that's very difficult to describe. It's not only about love now. It's about how we can tolerate each other and how well we can get along. Yeah, we tend to quarrel. But which couple don't quarrel. Well, maybe there is.Maybe one in a hundred don't? Am i able to tolerate him? Only time will tell. This month we'll reach 1 and a half year already. Not consider a long time. If we're thinking about walking the same route together no matter what happen, there's still a long way to go. =D GTG.. tata~+

2007-04-22T11:54:00.001+08:00

SOMETHING GONE WRONG! VERY WRONG! DEFINITELY NOT ACORDING TO MY PLAN! I fell sick. Hehezz.. nothing serious but i miss a lot of things this few days. Not being able to go to school, not being able to go work. I made a loss. I hate being sick. If i can, maybe i should invent something that can prevent ppl from getting sick? HahaZz.. Easy said than done. Whatever. This can be a good blog for me to rant and rant and rant. =)

2007-04-19T21:37:00.000+08:00

I'm trying to deceive myself that i can live very happily without you. Not that we are breaking up soon. I know i can't meet you almost everyday. You'll get bored of me some day. Anyway, school reopen. Life is so damn tiring but i am sleeping lesser and lesser. What's the problem with my body! I'm sleep at 11 to 12 but waking up at 5 plus. Then, i'll sleep and wake up, sleep and wake up. I know perfectly well that this is the sign that my body already had it's share of rest already. My student exam's coming. So i just hope i'll be able to cope with everything. I'll do reports before it is suppose to be handed up. I've already did reports that are supposed to be handed up the week after next. And some of the others.

My new sem resolution: I'll be more hardworking as before.

heheZz.. I must make sure that my result will be good and not going down. =) I think it's really time to really take things real slow. While i have to pick up with the studying speed.. No last minute work etc.

I'm going to study with Miki every sunday. Well, maybe not this week. hehe.. Up to now. everything is going according to my plans. =)

Fate

2007-04-12T12:39:00.000+08:00

Actually, i find our relationship very amazing. We are 2 types of people brought together by fate. We are like a pair of parallel lines. But Miracle happens and it brought both line together. While packing my things a found something that i wrote when i was secondary 4. It's in Chinese. When translated it means:

During the recarinatation of 500 times the people whom we never notice and who are by passers in our life, can only exchange to be a bypasser beside us. Then, how many times must we recarinate in order to exchange 1 sentence or even become friends, couple?

Fate is really an amazing thing. =) So, all the more i'll treasure the fate that we share now.

Irritating, idiot freak!

2007-04-06T21:37:00.000+08:00

Clement is so fucking irritating. Well, you know which clement i'm talking about. The one who fucking ask me to bj him on staircase. Ha. Who did he think he is!I would betray my boyfriend because of him? Can't he get! I wouldn't do it. I know, nobody will believe for what they see is the decent clement in front of them. Even the most decent guy can ask this kind of thing. How can i trust the man again? That's what i'm thinking before i enter this relationship. It's you who make me change my mind. No matter how many times you hurt me, i know you wouldn't cheat on me. That's how much i trust you. Can you imagine a decent guy like him can ask me when he have a girlfriend? Man;Man;Man;Man. No, he doesn't rhymes together with man. He's a BASTARD! Haha... Well, you are not the clement who ask me to bj, i wouldn't be offending you then. So, jolly well fuck off. Although my boyfriend always disappoint me frequently, in my heart i know he loves me and i love him. So which ever guy wouldn't have the chance to even tempt me into ending this relationship or cheat on him.

A new start..

2007-04-04T01:05:00.000+08:00

I've been thinking about it. I'm angry at myself for loving you so much for the past few days. But does it matter how deeply we love each other? As long as i know that I love you and you love me is enough already. Yes, i'm depressed about our relationship. But what belong to me will stay what does not belong to me will not stay. No matter how much i wanted to make you stay you'll still leave me one day. *Sorted my thinkings*

If you want to have a break, talk to me about it. I don't accept smses for such things. =)

People are able to make an impression of themselves on me very easily. But i have to learn to be independent dar. You can't be there for me all the time. Somehow, you tell me being concern about me is a form of love. But that's not the love that i wanted. I just don't know how to say. The concern you have is a brother to sister kind of concern or a lover kind of concern. I just hope you can understand what i'm talking about and really sort your feelings for me fast.

I will always love you. MuckZz...
No love can every replaced the love we shared since 20051128.
*#*

First postings.

2007-03-29T01:15:00.000+08:00

She says:

Well, there's some problems in the previous blog so i changed to this one now. But i feel that there's bigger problem in our relationship. Maybe it's due to us meeting too often. You still don't know how to treasure me. My mother tried to contact the housing agent today. Maybe it's a good thing also. I wouldn't be meeting him too often. You are unreasonable. You are angry that i'm not able to go out with you late because i'm afraid my mother will misunderstand what are we doing. You can't blame my mother for being protective. I did tell you that i can tell my mother i'm out with my friends but i go out with him. But you are the one who dislike the idea. The funny thing is that you are angry at me for your own cause. And when i said that you feel irritated. Yeah. maybe we wouldn't last till the time when you will find the boxer i bought for you. It's not that i'm pessimistic. You are not showing understandings. I've given you chances but it's just that you don't know how to treasure it. I needed your company today but you just played game. I shouldn't have gone to your house. I should have gone home straight home. When i go out with my friends, i shouldn't have told you. This few month makes me feel that i shouldn't tell you everything. Some things you shouldn't know. You really shouldn't know. Yet i wanted to be honest. Never mind i've learn my lesson.

Harun messaged me. He wanted to go to the thursday training. I would of course have to go and show him how to go. Haha.. He's a nice guy. So i cancelled my tuition in the evening. I'll be going training tomorrow. But he wouldn't be my type. Although he's not a Malay, he's a Islam. I don't know if he's flirting only or dropping clues. When i talk to him, i feel very comfortable. But i know the one i really love is you. I told my brother that you dislike me being unable to go out with him in the night and the problems i think arises in us. Guess what's he told me? Take a break and go for the guy for a while. That's when i asked for the one month break but you thought it's a normal 1 month break. I missed you too much at that time because it's during the school holidays. I needed your company. When school starts, i might ask for a month break again. I can also do what my brother says, open my eyes for better guys at the same time and it goes the same for you.

This blog is named since20051128 because ever since that day i am happy that i found this relationship, i endured, i put in effort, i take, i love, i hate...etc. I learn a lot ever since that day. I changed to become more sensitive with words too. I find it good and bad at the same time.